Ladies and gentlemen, meet my family.

[Therin]

Most of you have never met my parents, but some of you have heard about them before. They split up when I was nine, made it official a year later, and haven't looked back. They haven't had time to look back. All spare time and energy has been devoted to one thing: Stabbing the counterpart in the back. They did it over the phone, they did it at court, they did it through email.

They did it with their own children.

It's been twelve years, and I am the man you see before you today. I live in Georgia. My entire family lives in Maryland. Life is considerably better now than has ever been before, because I no longer have to deal with any of them. My father would tell me I'm running away from the problem. I would tell him to go fuck himself. I had been trying to solve the problem for ten years, and, let's face it, nothing worked; my choices were A, lay down and take it like a bitch, or B, leave. Obviously, I left.

Now, thanksgiving is coming. My father's side of the family traditionally has a family reunion every three years for thanksgiving. My mother's side has never had one before, but it's been a private dream of hers for a long time now. Wouldn't you know it, by freakish chance occurrance, they both happened to land on the same year. Wierd. It really is. My father's family reunion was supposed to be last year, but the family planning it decided, hey, I don't like cold weather, let's all go to florida for a week in the summer instead. As you can imagine, at $3000 for seven people, that idea went over like a cinderblock with wings. What happened next? Did we reschedule for thanksgiving? Gods, no, why on earth would we do that? That would make too much god-damn sense.

Instead, it was put off for a year. Well, guess what, Mom's been planning her reunion for that year, too. Did anyone think to tell Mom? Did anyone think to tell Dad? Did anyone think to tell anyone else about this? Not until now. And now what? It's down to me to pick a parent. Again. Same fucking decision I've been trying to avoid for nine years. Why? BECAUSE IT'S BULLSHIT!!

You don't pick a fucking parent! You love both of them the same! Why? Gee, maybe it's because THEY'RE YOUR FUCKING PARENTS!!! It makes me so furious I can't even see straight. But back to the subject at hand.

Not a problem, right? Just pick one, right? Yeah, right. Wrong. My parents have self esteem issues. Both of them. Spend a weekend with one, the other automatically assumes you don't love them anymore, and gets angry or morose accordingly. Imagine what happens when, for example, I skip mom's family reunion, the first one she's ever had, the one she's had her heart set on for years, and go to Dad's, because it will probably end up being the last one his family can get along well enough to have?

Well, I've made my decision. If, after twelve years of bickering, it still comes down to asking your kid to say "Fuck one, or fuck the other," I'll tell you what I say. I say fuck you both. I have had it up to my fucking eyeballs with this asinine game and I. Am. Done. I'll spend thanksgiving with my girlfriend's family. Why? Because I like them. They're honest. And above all, they're not out to force me to choose whether I like, say, Amber's mom, or Amber's dad. And after thanksgiving? I won't see my parents again. They have lost my trust, my respect, and my patience, and it will take a long, long time to earn any of it back again. They can start with working it the fuck out between themselves. I'm tired of being the mediator. I'm tired of being the arbitrator. I'm twenty-one, I have my own fucking life to live. So the rule is this: When you two fifty-year-olds can start acting like adults, then you can start talking to me again. I don't even want you to act your age. I just want to see fucking double digits for once. I don't think that's too much to ask. Do you? Anyone?

[Ming]

Man, I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I really do. I also wish that I could honestly say I know what you're going through, so that I could try to give you some sort of advice. But I can't. And not just because I don't know what you're going though, but because I don't think that you're looking for advice.

What I will say is that I think, ultimately, you are making the correct decision. You're right...you have your own life to live, and you need to do that without letting anyone, even your parents, get in the way. I was going to say something else, but it just slipped my mind.

And honestly, if anyone says that you are "running away from the problem" they need to seriously consider what the problem is, and how it is, in no way, your problem to have to face.

If you ever need anything, you know you can always call me and Tobs.

[Aradia]

Man, that's harsh. I totally agree with Ming. I think you're doing just the thing you should, but then again, you already know that. Just because they aren't speaking to one another doesn't mean they don't have family members who love them both. Not if but when they approach you about this subject, remind them that you are still part of the family, the most important part of the family. If they choose to have a get together where they expect you there, they should buck up and speak to the other half. For god's sakes, even bickering children ask when dinner is. I know we haven't talked much and I'm not as available or close as others, but if you ever need anything, hit me a line. And if you just want someone to talk to that doesn't require typing, PM me or ask Dai, Faye, UP or Shinigami for our number. We're usually home after 6 your time. Hope everything goes. *hugs*

[Silver Adept]

Eeek. Sound decision, Therin, although it makes my heart ache to see what sort of situations are being created that require this sort of decision. Do what makes you happy. If it makes both of them mad, well, maybe they'll start figuring out why.

[underpants]

While I was reading your rant, I was thinking "well than don't go to either!" It seems like the right decision to come to, in my opinion at least. However, maybe this will show your parents what they are really doing to you, and your brother, if he's involved in it too. I'm glad you've gotten away, and moved to ATL. It looks like it was a positive move in the right direction!
Loves

[GAAZ]

Don't even go to your girlfriends Thanksgiving...You know you loved my Turkey last Thanksgiving. ^_^

[Blackmage]

Hahaha... For some reason I agree with Gaaz... let Batman soothe you while you ponder.


But I say fuck em both. Just tell them that as long as they are going to be 5 you don't want to have anything to do with either of them.

[Kudasai Hiroki]

Agreed! There's no rule that say's you have to go to either one of them. You're an adult, capable of making your own decisions.
My parents too used me to get back at one another every chance they got. I moved out when I was 17 and never looked back. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and have since reconciled with both of them. To a degree (that's a story for later kids). But it took a long time and a lot of harsh language and actions. Sometimes people just need some time apart. Sometimes, when words just won't do, the best way to get to people is silence.
But for the time being, and I know it will be hard, the best route seems to be not to go to either. Your dad may not take it as hard as your mom as he has had family reunions before. Explain to your mom that you're not going to your dad's either and your reasons. Sure, she won't listen to you now. But she'll think about it. Your words will bounce around in her head untill they make sence to her.
Or drive her mad (another story for later!).
And as for those who would say that you are running away? Have they ever had the same problem? I wouldn't call it running away so much as starting anew. You're an adult, making it on your own. Nothing more.
I don't envy your position because I've been there before. It took 7 years to get my parents to act like adults. Three years were spent in silence. (Those hurt the worst) But I still think it was all worth it. They still act like children from time to time. But it's ok. (Cause I live 1200 miles away!)
Bottom line... They're your parents. They may not show it, but they do love you. They're just misguided enough to let their distain for one another get in the way of that love. They'll grow out of it eventually. They just need a little help from their kids!

Good luck!

[Ryu]

I got to say you probably made the best decision you could have made there. I know how the whole family drama things goes. It's true that most drama in my family reolves around one parent and not both, so I guess I lucked out with one of them.

The thing is I see this thing a million times in my line or work and all the parents do is force the kid to chose then the winning parent will use that choice as leverage to taunt the other. Seriously, parents can be completely childish if they need to be.

So often the best way around it is doing exactly what you did. if they make you choose you simply choose neither of them. I have spent many a holidays myself at friends houses because I simply didn't want to have to put up with my old man.

Anyway, best to luck to you in the whole situation.

[Therin]

I recieved a carbon copy from my mother today, of an email she wrote to my dad. It reads as follows.

-----------------------
Dear Steve,

Last year I wanted to take the kids to see my family for Thanksgiving, but since it was scheduled to be your family's thanksgiving gathering, I planned it for this year instead. Since the custody agreement specified that they would be with me this year, I counted on there being no problem with it this year. I recently learned that you didn't have your family gathering last year, and rescheduled it for this year. Had I known in time, I could have planned differently, but it didn't happen that way.

I'm sorry if this will cause a problem for you, but I am planning on Josh and Ethan doing Thanksgiving with my family this year.

Kendra
---------------



Now, the number of ways I could tear into my mother for that email basically stretches into infinity. But number one on my list is the last line. I've been in that position before, and let me say something. I am among the nicest guys out there, I'm even-tempered and not an awful lot gets me down. But when someone comes to you and writes "I'm planning for you to be here," it's like saying "I own you," in big, bright red letters. I'm a nice guy, but I do have some faults. One of them is that I am fiercely, viciously independent, and that right there is one very, very good way to make me go from happy to pissed off, like a ferarri when you strap a jet engine to the top and jam the accelerator. Here is my response:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are you sending me this? Do I -look- like your attorney?

A) I already told you, (And I've had this discussion with Dad, too.) I'm doing thanksgiving with my girlfriend's family. Do you know why? Because I refuse to be put in this position again. Flat-out. Downright. Refuse. I will not decide which one of you is better, and frankly I don't give a rat's ass which one if you is right; I've been through this over and over, time and time again for the past twelve years, and I am sick and tired of it.
B) You have no right to speak for me. None. At all. You aren't planning on a damn thing. Hoping is fine. Telling someone else what you're planning for me to do is downright offensive.

For the future, the next time you want me to come visit, work this crap out between yourselves first, because I refuse to be party to it, and I will turn around and leave the -instant- that I find out that there has been yet another conflict over me. I am not open for discussion on this.

I'm a nice guy, and I love both of my parents. If you don't -know- that than you're dumber than I want to give either of you credit for. But make no mistake, I am more stubborn, and more determined, than anyone else you have ever encountered, and I -will- do whatever it takes to keep myself free of this mess once and for all.
-----------------------------------------

I know that's kind of bland, but cut me some slack. They are my parents. And the point is still there.

Edit: While I'm here, thank you, all of you, for your support. It is much appreciated.

Also, if you want to learn something of how I think, hit me up and ask me to list everything that's wrong with that e-mail.