Rant/Lecture

Therin · Gloompf. Iggle! Gender: Joined: 24 Sep 2002

I must say this to those of you out there who are married or thinking about marraige.

Divorce can be the worst possible thing you can do to your kids, if you have any. My parents divorced when I was nine. It will be ten years in June. They haven't stopped fighting. I shit you not. That'll be ten years that they've lashed eachother in the courtroom. For all of those ten years, neither could be happy because always either in the fore or rear of their mind was how they were going to screw the other one over this time. I was talking to my mom today about it and I realized that this is the first time I've been able to look at it from an objective point of view. Living with one parent or the other, I always took that parent's side, because that parent was my only source of information. I don't know if any of you fully comprehend that, but I'm going to try to make it clear: My mom never ceased to manipulate me against my dad. My dad never ceased to manipulate me against my mom. And neither has any qualms about it because they don't even realize they're doing it. After ten years, it's become second nature. Right now, I could never fully bring myself to trust my parents. I probably never will. And because of my parents, I was deeply depressed for a lot of years. I went through four therapists before I finally found my most recent one, and he was a godsend. I've never met a more brilliant and personable man than he, and if it wasn't for him, I cannot say whether I would be among the living right now.

My message to parents or parents-to-be or couples thinking about becoming parents-to-be: When you bring new life into this world, that becomes your one and only commitment. Everything you do must be geared toward the health and success of your child. Everything. Once they hit twenty three or so and move out, you can relax and bicker amongst yourselves all you want, but until then, your top priority is your child. If you find that you simply cannot get along with your partner any longer, divorce CLEANLY. Joint custody makes it harder, but if you can pull it off, joint custody is the best arrangement. If you can't do that, then you must agree on a parent for your child to live with. One of the two of you will have to concede, even if only temporarily. There is no room for drawn out arguments and court battles. There is no room for the two of you to try and stalemate eachother. If you must, as a last resort, meet while your child is in school or with a babysitter, and don't go home until you've worked something out that requires little contact between the two of you. I cannot stress this enough. Aside from things like alcohol abuse and child abuse, painful divorce is the worst thing you can possibly do to your child. I was there. I know. This may be depressing, but it is something you should consider, if you haven't already. I apologize if I offended anyone. I felt it needed to be said.

Excel Zero · Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 2:31 am Post subject:

Kiyomi and I agree highly, which is precisely why we do not have children yet, we simply aren't ready for the commitment yet. Good statement though. My parents divorced when I was 1 though I don't remember alot of it.

Excel

Ultrawolf · Mr. Roarke Gender: Joined: 04 Jul 2003

My parents ACT like they are divorced....or should be.

Excel Zero · Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 3:02 am Post subject:

ugh
it's so common today too

Excel

Doot · Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 8:59 am Post subject:

My father (biological sperm donor) got divorced from his first wife and got custody of his children from that marriage, then married my mom, had me, then divorced when I was 6 and my mom got custody of me and I got split from my brother and sister. Then my father got remarried and my mother remarried (my dad - who is awesome) and my mother then had Sakura (I wouldn't swap that for the world!) but then my mother and dad got divorced and my dad kept custody and hasn't remarried. My mother then got remarried and stayed in that relationship until she passed away. Now my father is getting divorced from the lady he married after my mother and is talking marriage with the girl he cheated on his current wife with. SUPER FUN FANTASTIC DIVORCE!

The best thing I can say of it is I got kick ass siblings from the whole thing and a REAL dad.

I agreed about divorce. I've seen much too much of it to even try to see it as an option when I get married. As long as both partners are open to fixing matters then it shouldn't be an issue because there was something that made you get married in the first place. There is a love that had to be there (unless you get married for the wrong reasons and then you shouldn't be married anyway).

Daijaga · Chosen of Luck Gender: Joined: 17 Dec 2003

I agree 100% with Doot. Why why why why are their such things as pre-nuptual agreements. "Just in case" my ass - your setting yourself for the fall. When boo and I got married, we said 'till death do us part' and we really ment it.

It seems like these days people feel like they HAVE to get married and thats sad. Some people do it almost as an after thought do to other circumstances, living arrangements, time spent together, etc. The worst being pregnancy. If your going to bring a child into the world do NOT marry someone you don't wanna spend the rest of your life with. Its ultimatly easier on the child just to find someone you can be truly happy with and share custody like adults.

ARGH!! Thats the big friggin problem is that no one ever grows up past friggin eleven anymore!! I want the kids, I want to have them, I want you to be miserbale, your started it, no you did!!

...*exasperated sigh*...

Present company accepted of course. POs are another breed of people entirly. ^_^ Remind me to share my twisty lineage some time - its almost as fun as Doot-sama's. And btw Lews, this IS the soap box, no offending here. We're glad to listen to you get something off your chest. Most of the time, we'll probably agree with you.

reaper · I miss you Shar Gender: Joined: 28 Dec 2002

I do think divorce is a bad thing, but i do think it is some what nessisary.
I think its a whole lot better for them to just get devorced than raise kids in a loveless enviroment.

Nogrick · Everybody DANCE! Gender: Joined: 30 Sep 2002

I prayed my parents would get a divorce for years before they finally did. My mom always treated my dad like crap. Now they get along pretty well.

Excel Zero · Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 4:39 pm Post subject:

Sometimes is the right thing to do, I guess some people need to learn more before they try

Excel

Suna-chan · Otaku Master Age: 36 Gender: Joined: 22 May 2003

Yeah, my parents divorced when i was 3.

Then they both got remarried.

Then my mom got divorced again, this year. After she had been with my step-dad (er...ex.stepdad) for 7 years...and he had 2 daughters who i had developed pretty good relationships with. oh well.

My dad and stepmom are still married...and with 2 new kids. Somehow though, in that family my sister and i just kinda seem to be in the way.

^_^ maybe i am just exaggerating! probably! anyway, don't get me wrong i am still happy and stuff.... divorce is just a tricky thing!