I dunno - Just...em...dunno?

[Bumblebee]

I dunno people- I'm just down and out. I've lost almost any work habits that are important, and after several zip disk disasters, I don't even want to continue half of the projects that were on them. I had several comics for Mechaex.com that were ated' up, about ten or so projects for JapanHero.com that have been killed in the past month, and not to mention a few requests for Gryph, as well as some non-chibi versions of PO characters(I know I had another Shino and an updated Chibiknight). I had a couple other personal projects that were destroyed too.
...but I can only learn from this and stuff. I get the same "advice" from people- all of them say " You shoulda done thar got a CD-Re'rah'table", but that doesn't do crap for me now...and even if I used them, they'd serve no purpose here in the lab...what with half of the computers having CD-drives that won't work, and all the computers incapable of writing onto CD. So now I'm contemplating sending an e-mail to JH and MX informing them that the comic ideas will have to be destroyed because I just don't have any want to do them anymore. A little immature and not professional- but it's why I never offer payment for work and stuff; I'm not professional. I'm still doing projects for them, but the "most important" ones are being killed...
I'm starting to get all crappy in college too. I make, like, C's and D's on my papers(I dunno what I've made on any of my tests...hopefully GOOD GRADES), but I'm okay with having a D if it's passing. I'm not headed to a bigger college, so fuck it, you know? I have a paper I should be writing right now, but I'm already a WEEK late...I doubt I'll get ANY credit for it right now...but I'll talk with the Prof' about that or something...

And then there's personal fuck-ups and smashed shits. I'm getting this strong sense of "do something nice for people and it fucks you over ten times in the bad way" kinda thing. I've bitched and bitched about that certain topic over and over again, so I'll not elaborate, but I dunno. One of those times where you wonder if good luck will ever come up and give you a big hug...and a kiss...and possibly a great night of sex. lol.
Aaaah....I miss sex so much, lol.
That's the other thing! I feel like such a "fad". I've never been in an ACTUAL relationship, just one of those "assumed" ones. I mean, all I've done was had sex......or well, preform oral sex, anyways...so I dunno. I don't mean this egotistically, but will I have a relationship that DOESN'T just mean "booty call"? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love sex, but it'd be nice to have an actual PARTNER to dedicate to and shit...for once...LOL.

BAGH! I've nothing great to say. Nothing...nothing....nothing. I've just reached that part of the rope where I'm ready to just let go. I dunno...my art's been slipping. I don't draw with as much DETAIL as I used to- all because I'm down and out. I don't feel like doing much anymore...even recreational shit and stuff. Drawing will always be a constant because I don't want to give that up to something as stupid as a depression, and some people tell me that's GOOD; but I've been drawing ALL MY LIFE, it's just like BLINKING- and the whole "keep eyes safe" thing, there's nothing too great about a person who knows how to blink...
Maybe it's because I haven't been active? I don't leave the house much these days or anything- and I'm rarely invited by my friends to do anything with them. If I'm headed out, I'll be the first to invite...and they'll be the FIRST to change plans last second- and usually I'll be all ready and dressed and stuff. Of course, you don't need two people to have fun, but what's the fun in having fun if no one else can have fun with you? I've spent PLENTY of my youth playing with toys to myself- I don't need a similar situation NOW, when I'm all older and shit.

Man...this is one long monkey-funker...and I haven't even managed to find out what the fuck is wrong with me. I don't want to go as far as to call all this DRAMA, but it does seem like I'm making too big a deal out of my problems- yeah, I know. I've had too many people telling me that my problems aren't "actual problems" when compared to what they've been through. I agree with them too. I've not lost a hand or a leg or a life; I've not been kicked out my house or ever had to deal with not gettin along with parents. I'm not rich, but I'm happy. It's odd stuff...I'm willing to bet that it's some form of a depression disorder or some shit...at least I've had several people(including a gymn instructor) tell me that I may want to see a psychiatrist; so I think my conclusion is valid.
I dunno...it just hurts to think. I don't like to make sense out of life, and I've been trying to make sense of everything right now...I don't even think I made SENSE- but I guess we all blow off steam differently; some are coherent, others, like me, are not.
All in all, I'm not looking to tell a sob story, or to get some form of comfort...I just wanted to "blow off some steam"...even if the pipe's clogged. I dunno. It's just a feeling of neglect mixed with anger mixed with depression mixed with slightly insane. Kool-Aid.

Just in case it wasn't figured out, I love to say "I dunno" when I rant; that word is just fun to me.

Hmn...anyways. I don't mean to bother or anything...just...wanted to type my mind out for now. You people may not see much to be down about, but I have a hard time expressing emotion through words(whether typed or spoken). Anywho...I dunno. Just a good collage of faulty sentence structure, bad grammar, and illogical thought.
Thank you for your time people.

[Bumblebee]

...just thought I'd add- on top of all that- I have managed to slice two places in my mouth. The first is up there where the lip touches the gums, and the second, in a similar location, right where the lower lip touches the gun. GREAT. Hurts to smile...bother me to talk...I won't even get into eating...although I haven't had ANYTHING to eat today...save a gumball I had this morning to freshen my breath...but, like, yesterday, yeah. There were some problems eating. FUCK.

[shadokastur]

"...touches the gums, and the second, in a similar location, right where the lower lip touches the gun."

Dude, I'm sure this is just a typo but it would be good to see you correct it.

Anyhow, depression sucks. I used to write all the time but nowadays I just can't seem to want to at all, no matter how good the idea is. But I'm not gonna get into me here because that would be of no help to you. All I can say is that life has a pattern and sometimes we get stuck in it. We don't understand where our conflicts lie so we struggle against an unseen foe. I can't really give you advice. But I can say some good 'ole personal-time usually helps me. Hope you feel better, man...


Shado


Ganesa wanted to send you some fruit but he didn't know your address so he ate it so it would'nt go bad. How thoughtful...


P.s. Maybe if you read my entry on pg. 12 on the elephant official randomness thread in the Whatever forum it might make you laugh. I had a great time writing it.

[Tobias]

Dude, BB, first off, i have to say that your probably in a sort of depression.

Now for this next part, you can choose to use what i tell you, or not. Its up to you. And im saying that what im going to say, your probably not gonna expect from a 16 year old...especially THIS 16 year old.

Im gonna be blunt about this. You dont need a psychiatrist. All those dude do is tell you that in the phallic stage of your life, you had a memorable experience that caused you to repress the thought in your latency stage and it came back out in you genital stage. I found that for things like depression, there is no medicine, or no way to talk to people to fix it. how do i know this, well becuase i felt depressed myself many a times...just like you. i also was the type who played to myself, i was a very introverted child, ever since i moved from NY to CT. I guess it was the change. But anyways, to get back to what im saying: All im saying is that its in your mind. You feel depressed because of the way you are thinking. You dont need someone to psycoanalyse you to tell you that, so better off you keep your money, or at least that is what i think. As for a remedy for it...this is also mental.

I dont care what anyone says, you cant take a medicine to make you happy. No matter what, nothing like that exists, instead, they just have stuff that causes a molecular imbalance and causes you to become hyperactive for short periods of time. Better off, the best way to fix a depression is to think out of the depression. I know that this is probably one of the most abstract things you have ever heard, but its the only way that i can phrase it (im an abstract one, in case you couldnt tell). What im saying, is that you should believe that your not in depression. One way to do this, is to just leave the house, and go walking. Walk, and analyse everything that you see. Im telling you, you will feel much better if you do that. It will clear your mind, most importantly, which basically is getting rid of the depression and making your mind nuetral. Now is when you put your mind into gear. Go somewhere that you havent been to. It doesnt really matter where...hell, go to a drag queen party. You will get amused by it. Also, get some new friends. If your friends keep on bailing on you, then bail on them. Their behavior is just another form of depression. Besides that, just think positive about EVERYTHING, and whatnot.

now for the girlfriend thing...i dunno if i can help you on that one, cause im only 16, and ive never had a girlfriend...so i dont know what its like to even have some sort of relationship. But what i can say is that the reason why i havent had a relationship is probably cause ive been looking for that perfect someone, which is a harder search than i ever imagined.

Anyway, like i said in the beginning, you can take any of this seriously, or not. I dont mind if you accept what i say, actually try out what i say, or just shaft what I say. Im only 16, but i feel i have much more wisdom than most people in this world. Now i didnt say im smarter, im just wiser. I may just be blabbing, and i may be missing something, and i may be thinking to highly for myself...but like i said, its up to you BB.

~Tobias(mike)

[Sciler]

[Gryph]

Something that might help concerning your drawing. Take a break. Take about a week or so off. I stopped drawing for like a month once when i stopped enjoying it. Do the same, you'll at least feel a little better. Might get rid of a little bit of stress.

[Shurikane]

Yeah, if you're out of inspiration, no need to force the faucet. Last time I did that, I ended up creating a fic that I wrote BACKWARDS, and it was full of plot holes.

If anything, get your grades up first. I'm killing myself trying to do it right now. At least when school is over, it's over for good. I'll be so happy the day I finally get a job.

[Bumblebee]

Thanks for the concern people; if I had the money, I would really see one of those pee-sai-kai-uh-trists or something to see if they have any kind of idea as to what this specifically is.
Yah..."gun" is a typo- should be gums- and it hurrrrted this morning so bad- bad enough to make me not smile, anyways...now it's all "stealth" and I can be crazy for my friends again. I can't afford a gun.
As for the "break from art", it will never happen. Seriously, I need to draw at least once a day, and I don't know why. I guess I'm paranoid that every day I don't draw is another chance to slip. I've been doing so great with keeping tabs on what I need to fix in my art and working hard to fix them that I just can't stop for even a day. If I have no inspiration, I'll most likely end up drawing circles or Bumblebee(TF, not PO), or something. I DO stop drawing certain things when in a block or depressed(those being anything not involving robots or sex), but I force everything out(as far as art goes...ugh! Makes me sound artistically constipated). Not a good thing to do, but it's like a workout. If I rest for a while, all it does is make my art loose and flabby...(ugh...also a bad image).

[Sciler]

lol, art constipation...i like that

as for psychiatrists, they arent all they are cracked up to be. I say that is a very last resort. Councellors can help tons, but until you can afford one, just think of us as your personal councellors between all of us we're sure to have a lot of varied but good advice so you can take your pick of maybe a next step[/color]

[Kid Icarus]

It's all a cycle. You get depressed then go back up. It's just life. Things do get better eventually.
I have some creative laxative if you're constipated though.

Don't worry too much it will get better.