When does other people's opinion matter?

[Zinka]

I know that most people think that you shouldn't care about what other people say and I am pretty much right there in that category but I sometimes wonder if there are times when you should care, or at least notice, what other people are thinking and/or saying.

For me this is one very specific point, and has been for many years.

My relationship with my boyfriend Andrew (some of you may have met him at AWA but probably don't remember considering how shy I've been at past AWA's...)
Be prepared. I am about to embark on a long post which contains a lot of my history and is mostly for the benefit of my own sound mind. I do usually wrap everything up in the last paragraph so if you want to just skip down then go right ahead^.^

Andrew and I have been dating for about four and a half years, since I was 16 and in 10th grade. When we first started dating I was young and had only had one real boyfriend before him and Andrew had no experience dating whatsoever. We spent a lot, and I realize now, probably an excessive amount of time together. I don't regret it but I realize that it may have seemed unfair to some people. At the time however, I was unaware of it and I was very happy. Andrew made me feel pretty good about myself and I used to be something of a pushover. But for some reason when I started dating andrew I just sort of developed this ability to actually pay attention to what I wanted. My friends, and Andrew's friends, weren't so excited. I think they were upset because of the time we spent together and not really jealous of our relationship but hurt that we didn't spend more time with them (although we often tried to hang out in large groups, I felt that our friends didn't make as much of an effort).

The worst point was when they randomly got us together in a room and started talking about how much they didn't think we were good for each other, and how they were worried about us. I was really hurt, I was a lot more sensitive back then and used to think making people happy was more important than anything. Andrew was also upset but I think for some reason he has never let other people get to him as much. We didn't break up but tried our best to spend more time with out friends. But it took a long time for my friends and especialy my sister (who I think was actually jealous of andrew considering he was the person that closest to me besides her-it may be a twin thing because she didn't like my boyfriend before him either...though I have always made an effort to like her boyfriends), in fact, it has only been in the past two years or so that they have really started to come around.

In any case, we made it through the highschool stuff (and a lot of religous issues with my mom who once threatened to remove me from school just to keep me away from him...don't worry, she's more than sorry for that and we have made up) and then I got to college. Here I should note that Andrew is a year ahead of me so we decided to stay together during his first year which was tough especially since many of my friends and family hadn't come around just yet.

Anyway, I get to college and for some reason all my growth and ability to not care about what others think goes out the window. At first, things seem to be okay, but then I start having all these issues. Not all related to other people but a lot of it is at least affected by others. It helped that the person I considered my best friend freshman year had no problem with andrew at all but there were a lot of other people who didn't get us, or didn't like andrew (even though they hardly knew him).

and there's the problem: A lot of people don't seem to know Andrew well but are really quick to make judgements about him. I don't know what it is about Andrew but almost everyone I meet doesn't "get him" or "us" or whatever. Maybe it's because Andrew is shy and a little awkward around people he doesn't know (I mean, so am I but I guess it's somehow different?) I get people who I know sort of well asking me what I see in him and asking about our history to figure "us" out and I get people who have known me for a long time wondering if he's right for me or if he's good enough for me.

I feel guilty for even thinking about people saying this kind of stuff because I really honestly love andrew and I couldn't be closer to anyone (even to Rachel, though I would never admit this to her and we are actually getting back to where we once were, which is really nice). Andrew is really this amazingly sweet person who has been there for me during a lot of crap, especially my freshman year. We broke up during the summer because of some of that crap and even then he was there for me. We also broke up because of some other sutff which I think has gotten better (which is why we're back together)...

but...we do have our problems and there are some things that really do worry/bother me about andrew(for example, the fact that aside from wanting to marry me he hasn't really considered much else about his future, his somtimes lack of motivation, etc etc) and I can't help but wonder if some of those problems are bigger than us(or at least me...because I'm a fricking idiot and can't always get over those things) and during those times I can't help but wonder if other people are right (which I hate).

The biggest thing is, we talk a lot about marriage. And, well, I want to marry Andrew so bad. but with all these fricking thoughts in my head I wonder if I can...people may wonder if Andrew deserves me but I'm always wondering if I deserve him.

And the annoying thing is, I had gotten really great at just not responding to people when they asked me things like "what do you see in him" or I would just say "well, you'd have to get to know him" and the like. Then I got this email from my high school art teacher whom I really respect and admire and is seriously one of those adults I'll keep in my life forever and I'm sure rachel must have mentioned to him that Andrew and I have been talking alot about marriage and in his email he says (as direct as I can write it) "if you're heading in that direction then Andrew must be being a very good boy". And my issue is that this teacher knew andrew too. And i guess he knew me better and may just be showing his natural bias, as maybe or most peoplem who know me better and longer than they know andrew...but still...

ack...I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

I guess the truth is that since Rachel is finally getting along with Andrew (and they're like chummy so its actually fricking me out a bit^.^) I don't really care about anyone else's approval but I still think/know/feel that if I'm even entertaining these sorts of thoughts then of course I'm not ready to get married (and I mean, I think for other reasons as well I'm not ready). It's just, will I ever stop caring or at least having these flitting thoughts every couple of months? and I mean...if all of your friends and family and people you cared about hinted at the fact that they thought your beau wasn't good enough for you, would you care? Mostly I don't. It's just the times that I do that bother me.

oh lord, did that make any sense at all?
^.^

[kei]

Zinks I can honestly say, follow your instincts, the only time I've ever actually cared for a persons opinion is when I'm not sure of something, other wise if I'm pretty sure, I don't really care.

If you are uncertain then it is always wise to seek out advice like you are doing now to get our opinions. ^_^

Opinions are not always right, which is why they say "they don't matter"

But if you are seeking advice or help on something, then it matters to the person, because they want to know.

That would be my opinion. ^_-

others may see it differently, so it really depends on the person, only the person who is receiving the opinion can honestly decide weather or not it matters.

[Girkon]

When all is said and done and the day is ending, is he the one you will committ your heart and soul to?

Honestly i'm the last person who should give a thought on relationships. Just the same it's something only you can answer. Life is too short to worry about all the details, so as long as you can say without a doubt "I will be happy with him forever" then that can be enough.

Just make sure it's you whose deciding it, and not the thoughts of others doing it for you.

[Ming]

Zinka...a lot of parts of your situation sound uncannily similar to the relationship that Underpants and I have had for so many years (hell...my name is Andrew, so it's even weirder!).

Honestly, I'd talk to you about it, but I think you should shoot her a PM (if she doesn't respond to this)...because I'm sure she can relate with a lot of what you are going through and offer you better womanly insight into the sitiation that I ever could.

[Shino]

Zink... I will be the first to agree with you about opinions of others.
As long as you're happy, what's the difference right.

Sure... most of the time.

I'm not as much a religious person as I am a spiritual person. One day at church, they had a session talking about "signs." What it talked about is how God talks to people. S/he talks to you through your friends and family and other respectable figures in your life. Depending on who you trust and you actually knows him, you should take that into consideration.

I don't find it coincidence that Shan is the first girl my mother (and entire family) has EVER liked. And I've dated ... umpteen women in the past.

So... if they know him, and have given him chances... watch for what your family and your friends are saying that is consistent.

The other thing I would say... In most cases... it's easier to live with a mistake, than a "what if?"
Food for thought.

But then again... these are just my opinions...

[RivaOni]

I think, in all honesty, go with your strongest gut feelings, you say you love him, surely that feeling is stronger than any doubt, and quite frankly everybody has doubts

As Shiny-oh! said, its easier to live with a mistake than it is a what if, its less niggling.

[Legend]

Zinka-san, I agree with everything said, but I also want to add this-- if the -only- things that worry you about Andrew are similar to what you mentioned, it might be advisable that either he, or both of you, go to counseling. Schools have counselors, so it'd be easy and probably not too expensive to at least get some minor motivational-type counseling at the school itself.

IF your friends can come up with really good and reasonable arguments as to why you shouldn't be dating him, listen to them. If they just say they don't like him, and can't give a reason, it's probably just, as you mentioned, jealousy.

Lord knows I ignored the bejeezus out of my friends when Shino-sama and I started dating, though half of that was trying to get to know -his- friends so that we could mesh easily and I could get approval, given there were a lot of misgivings in the beginning of our relationship due the age differences and all that jazz.

So, yeah, to answer your question-- it would depend on the reasons -why- they're hinting they don't like my beau. I've been studying too much psychology/sociology/philosophy to take their opinions at face value. You better argue, if you're going to convince me. ^_-

[underpants]

Z, it sounds like you're still pretty young, and obviously you two have been together for a long time, but marriage may not be the next immediate step for you two. First, you may want to try and have your family get to know Andrew like you do. Since he's shy, you may want to try and work on it person by person, instead of all at once.

For me, it's very important that my family like/love my boyfriend, because I know that my family has my best interest. If my family didn't love Ming, we probably wouldn't have lasted so long. But that's just me.

You have to decide what's best for you, but I would listen to other people's opinions and take them into consideration.



P.S. I'm not sure what Ming is talking about...He's probably referring to the whole marriage thing, but our situation is different. Oh well.

[Jaena]

When Link and I got back together last summer (after a little over three years of not even speaking to each other), it took a LOT for my parents to actually start liking him. They had heard somethign from my ex-fiance that they took to be truth, and so HATED Link.

Link came up to visit in September (and stayed in a hotel because of the issues), and it ticked my parents off even more. Then when he came up in December, my dad (the more difficult one to make happy) actually invited him to stay a coupel extra days (he was staying at our house). My grandparents had met him when he was up in September, and I think the fact that he melded right with them, and such, is the reason my dad was able to be cracked as quickly as he was.

End of December (VERY end) Link had gone back home to Virginia, and sent my dad an email asking if he coudl marry me. He had tried to talk to my dad while he was here, but the conversation literally ALWAYS turned to computer stuff. (that's their common ground) My dad said in return that he could tell that Link cares a lot about me and me him, so he and my mother gave their blessing.


So MY advice would be if you are bound and determined to get your family and friends to like the fact that the two of you are together, then find someone who DOES understand, and have them help you talk to the others. Having someone outside of the two of you who can attest to the relationship being a good one will better help them that they need to rethink things.

[Zinka]