A Script! {some language}

[shadokastur]

The script is still in transition, pending some clean-up but please tell us what you think. (Think 'Always Sunny' and 'Silent Bob & Jay')


Episode 1:
“The Art Of Ninjitsu”

Written By: Rey Shepherd and Pat Bell

(Our story begins in the maintenance office of Brad and Eddie. Two Custodians who work for a non-profit organization. They are in the middle of a very important discussion)

Eddie: There is no debate here dude. Ninjas Trump Pirates every time. PERIOD!

Brad: I’m with you dude. You know I loves my ninjas. But Pirates do have guns man.

Eddie: Guns? (indignantly)….. Pfft …. Would a bullet stop Batman?

Brad: Has it ever!

Eddie: There you go! Batman is technically a ninja. Therefore, if bullets can’t stop Batman, then Pirates can’t stop Ninjas. CASE CLOSED!

Brad: Shit dude! I never thought of it like that before.

Eddie: Well if you want to be a ninja, you have to think like a ninja!

Brad: You just dropped a bomb of Ninja knowledge on me bro!

Eddie: Your welcome!

Brad: I mean, that was like… (Brad and Eddie go off on a ridiculous tirade of Ninjas and bombs)

(Cut to “Joey” walking down the hallway towards Brad and Eddie’s office. Joey is at the facility to serve community service after a run in with the law. Joey enters Brad and Eddie’s office unnoticed by Brad and Eddie as they are going on and on about bombs and Ninjas)

Joey: (Joey enters office) Um, hello? (Brad and Eddie are completely oblivious to Joey being in the room)

Joey: Excuse me! (Brad and Eddie still don’t notice him because they are so submerged in the conversation)

Joey: (Yelling) Hey! Hey!

(Brad and Eddie abruptly stop talking and look over at Joey)

Brad: What the hell bro!

Eddie: Um.. grown ups talking here big guy.

Brad: What’s so damn important!

Joey: Uh.. I’m Joey. I’m here for community service…

Eddie: (Cutting Joey off) Yeah, that’s great. Let us ask you a question there Jimmy.

Joey: “Joey”

Eddie: (Points at himself) “Eddie” (Then swiftly points to Brad)

Brad: “Brad (Offers his hand to Joey)

(Joey moves in for a handshake , but brad pushes him back)

Brad: Which…um.. (Brad eases Joey back before he reaches his hand)…which do you like more Pirates or Ninjas?

Joey: What?

Eddie: Dude, are you katanas and smoke bombs or peg legs and eye patches?

Joey: Um ok…. Pirates I guess.

Brad: (Looks at Eddie) Well yo ho fucking ho.

(Eddie gives Joey a look of disappointment and horror)

[End Scene. Cut to Opening credits]

(Fade back into Brad and Eddie’s office)

Eddie: (To Joey) So what are you in for there Jackie?

Joey: That’s “Joey”.

Eddie: ( With a puzzled look on his face) No shit?

Brad: (Dancing in the background) Dude, ask him what his name is.

Eddie: Huh? (Shrugs it off) Anyway, so what did you do? Did you wack somebody?

Joey: What?! No!

Brad: (yells from background) Fuck a chicken?

Joey: What?!! No!! Look,… (Sighs) …I really don’t feel like getting into that right now. I just want to do my time, and get back to my normal everyday life.

(Joey looks towards the floor as he says this. He then looks up to find Brad is now standing in front of him, in the exact place where Eddie was standing. Eddie is now in the background somewhere. Joey is stunned, and looks around for Eddie. )

Brad: (Nodding Like he cares)

Joey: (Shakes his head and refocuses on Brad like he just saw a ghost)

Brad: Right, right. Great story there Jerry. Look, Maybe your having a little identity crises here, but pirates don’t pay debts.

Eddie: (Off screen) HA HA! Butt pirates!

Joey: “Joey!” My name is Joey.
Brad: Are you even paying attention to me?! Look, there’s no wishy washy middle ground here. You’re on Ninja territory now bro!

Eddie: (Yelling from background) You just stepped into the Dojo bitch!

Brad: You have to take this shit seriously!

Joey: “Seriously”?! “Pirates”? Ninja bombs”? What do you guys take seriously?!

Brad: We take our work VERY Seriously!

(Popping sound is heard in the background, then stops as Brad and Joey look over at Eddie)

Eddie: “Four hundred and Five”!

(Camera Pans over to Eddie holding a paddleball, looking crazy)

Eddie: BOO-YA!

(Eddie looks sternly at Joey)

Eddie: How you like that shit cupcake?!!

(Eddie throws the paddleball at Joey off screen. Camera cuts back to Joey as he gets hit in the eye with the paddleball.)

Joey: OW! SHIT! MY EYE! You hit me in the fucking eye you asshole!

Eddie: (Yelling from background) That’s the art of Ninjitsu bitch!

Joey: I can’t….that’s it…you guys are retarded! I’m out of here.

(Joey starts to walk away)

Brad: We’ll sign off all your hours if you stay.

Joey: (Stops and turns back, still holding his eye) All my hours?

Brad: Oh yeah!

Eddie: (Walking in from background) But first you got to show us what your made of pirate boy.

(Camera pans to Joey. Joey stops to think as “Eye of the Tiger” “like” song begins to play. Joey “sighs“, and walks toward the camera.)

(Scene cuts to a montage of Joey Doing all of Brad and Eddie’s dirtiest work with “Eye of the Tiger” “like” music playing over the montage)

(A description of scenarios during the montage)

1- Brad Takes a dump on the toilet and Eddie directs Joey to clean it while Eddie and Joey are gasping and coughing and fanning. Brad has a look of accomplishment on his face as he is smiling and nodding behind them. Joey vomits.

2-Joey is cleaning the facility’s windows from the inside, while Brad presses his ass against the window from the outside. Eddie takes a picture.

3-Joey polishes the knob on a door while Brad and Eddie taunt him by making obscene faces, licking lips, and rubbing their nipples etc.

4-Joey scrapes boogers off of the bottom of Brad and Eddie’s desk. Eddie is sitting in a chair next to him reading a magazine. He is oblivious to Joey being under the desk,, and picks his nose and wipes it on Joey’s face.

5-Brad and Eddie hand Joey a sanitation suit. Joey changes, then Brad and Eddie direct him to clean a Porta-John that doesn’t even belong to their facility. Brad and Eddie then tip the porta-john with Joey in it, grab his pants, go through his wallet, take his cash, and run back inside.

(Fade out montage. Open scene with Brad and Eddie talking in office)

(Brad and Eddie already in conversation)

Brad: ….So then the camera pans up, and its Orville Reddenbacher!

Eddie: The popcorn guy?

Brad: The one and only! Biggest dick I ever saw.

(Joey walks in looking exhausted and sits down)

Eddie: (To Joey) Hey Hey !! Jared! How’s it going there bro!

Joey: (Rolls his eyes at “Jared”) I hate you guys.

Brad: So, you ready to tell us why you’re here?

Eddie: Yeah dude. Time to spill the beans, bro.

Joey: Guys, I really don’t think it’s any of your business….

Brad: (interrupts) What the shit dude! Are you…(sighs)…are you going to be a pirate your whole life bro?!!

Eddie: Shit dude, even pirates have balls. Tiny microscopic balls, but balls none the less!

Brad: Grow a pair man!

Joey: What?! I just don’t think……

Brad: (Interrupts) Have you ever been tea bagged Joey…?

Joey: Tea….what? You can’t be serious.

(Camera pans to Brad and Eddie looking very serious. Then cuts to Joey with a scared look on his face. Then Cuts to Brad and Eddie still looking very serious. Eddie is now swinging a teabag like a pendulum.)

Brad: (Pointing to Eddie’s teabag) That’s symbolic.

Joey: You keep a teabag in your pocket?

Brad: You’d be surprised what he keeps in his pocket.

(Pans to Joey looking scared)

Brad: You want to see?

Joey: No.

Brad: Go ahead. Stick your hand in there.

Joey: No!

Eddie: You sure?

Joey: Yes!

Brad: So you do want to see?!

Joey: NO!!

Brad: But you just said yes?!

Joey: I said “yes” to say I was sure I didn’t want to.

Eddie: (Looks at Brad) That doesn’t make any sense at all.

Brad: Not a bit. I think it’s Freudian

Eddie: Obviously.

(Joey then jumps up and explodes in a rage of high-strung fury)

Joey: What is with you assholes!! You have to be the most rude, obnoxious, arrogant pieces of…..

(Joey is stopped cold by a slap in the face with Eddie’s teabag)

Eddie: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Drop anchor there Barnacle Bill. We’re just trying to help you.

Joey: WHAT?!!!

Eddie: Yeah dude! If you want to make an omelet, you got to break some……

(Eddie looks to Brad)

Brad:…um ..uh.. EGGS!

(Eddie starts saying eggs along with Brad)

Eddie: ….You got to break some eggs!!!

Joey: Do you even listen to what you say?! How does that apply here?!

Brad: Forget about it. Look, the punishment should fit the crime right? Well we don’t have anything to go on bro! Nothing fits!

Eddie: We’re naked here dude!

Brad: How do we know when to say when, if we don’t even know what you did!

Eddie: We’re naked man!

Brad: Help us, help you!

Joey: ALLRIGHT!! ENOUGH!!

(After a moment of silence)

Eddie: Naked.

Joey: I was at a party…

(Brad and Eddie get all “gitty” and sit down and stare at Joey)

Joey: …. And.. I walked into the back room and found my girlfriend with another guy. I felt like my life was over. How could she do that to me! I mean, she was my life…

(At this point Joey has his eyes closed looking at the ground while he is saying this. When he opens his eyes, he looks up to find that Brad and Eddie have fallen asleep at some point through his speech)

Brad and Eddie: (Snoring)

Joey: Wake up assholes!!

(Brad and Eddie spring up from their slumber murmuring and mumbling.)

Brad and Eddie: (Together) What!.. Huh!.. Eggs! …Omelets …Pirate eggs …Naked!

Joey: What! Now you guys have Narcolepsy!

Brad: Well give us the short version!

Joey: Fine! After that, I had a little to much to drink and thought I could drive home, but I got lost, I got pulled over by a cop and got a DUI!

Brad: A DUI! That… That’s it!!

Eddie: Good job Black Beard! Maybe you should have brought your compass!

Joey: Awww… I knew I shouldn’t have told you guys!!

Brad: Even pirates can sail drunk!! You’re like a whole other anomaly dick face!!

Joey: You guys are insane! Someone could have been killed! I could have been killed! What I did was terrible…

(Eddie cuts Joey off in mid-sentence.)

Eddie: No, your driving was terrible.

Brad: Yeah dude. Obviously you don’t know how to drive drunk.

(After Brad says this, he and Eddie both crack devious smiles. The camera pans to Joey with a
Terrified look of confusion on his face. Then the camera pans back to Brad and Eddie Nodding and smiling)

[End Scene]

(Open scene with Joey storming out of the facility. Brad and Eddie are right behind him)

Joey: No! No! No! This is crazy!

Brad: Come on, don’t get your panties in a bunch bro!

Joey: I am not going to “practice” my drunk driving!

Eddie: Come on dude! We’ll get some brews, hop in your ride and kick it ninjitsu style! (Brad and Eddie do a little swoop kick for added effect)

Joey: No way!! No, No, No!

Brad: Alright dude, think of it this way. Your at a party…

Eddie: …A little shindig…

Brad: …You’re drunk…

Eddie: …Fucking shit faced bro…

Brad:…What’s that? ...there’s an emergency back at your house!?

Eddie: Awww shit!

Brad: You got to get home now dude!

Eddie: Word

Brad: No money for a cab?!

Eddie: Whatcha gonna do son?

(Cuts to Joey shaking his head with a stunned look of shock on his face)

(Cuts back to Brad and Eddie)

Brad: Or we could always just call your probation officer.

(As brad is saying this he is putting on a rubber glove. As soon as he is done talking, he snaps the glove onto his hand.)

Joey: My probation….What …Why!!

Eddie: Pot’s illegal Joey.

Joey: Pot! What the hell are you talking about!? What pot!

Brad: This pot.

(Brad throws a bag of weed to Joey who instinctively catches it. He then drops it when he realizes what it is)

Joey: You have to be fucking kidding….

(Brad interrupts)

Brad: And you attacked Eddie.

(As Brad is saying this, He removes the rubber glove from his hand)

Joey: WHAT! I never fucking touched him!

Brad: Riiight.

(Brad is smiling as he says this, then a second goes by, and Brad punches Eddie in the face)

Eddie: OW! Joey, what did I ever do to you bro!

Joey: (Looking down at Eddie) What the! …I’ll tell you what you did you mother…(Catches himself)..Wait! Whoa! No! No!

Brad: Yes…Use your anger!… and strike him down. HA HA HA!

Eddie: (Sobbing) You scare me when your like this Joey.

Joey: (Looking helpless) You two are the worst human beings I have ever met.

Brad: Let’s do this.

(Brad is smiling and nodding as he says this, and then kicks Eddie as he is getting up off the ground.)

Eddie: (Hits the ground again) JOEY!!

[End Scene]

(Open scene on Brad, Eddie and Joey driving in Joey’s car. They are all drunk)

Joey: I can’t… I can’t believe you made me do this.

Brad: Made you? Uh there’s a little something called “free will” there Jamie.

Joey: My name….My name is…

(Eddie interrupts)

Eddie: It’s in your bible dude. Straight from JC bro.

(Eddie then pours his beer on the floor to pay his respect to Jesus)

Brad: Dude, you’ve never read the bible.

Eddie: Well what the hell was I thinking about then?

Brad: Your thinking of that song by that band Rush.

Eddie: Oh yeah…right, right.

(Eddie, in a high pitched voice, sings the line from the song.)

Eddie: “I will choose free will”.

Joey: This is… This is so bad. I’m driving on a suspended license. I can’t….

(Brad interrupts)

Brad: That’s It! Pull over! Stop the car!!

(Joey screams like a little girl, and spills beer all over himself)

Joey: (Slams on breaks) What?! What’s going on! Did I hit someone! Oh god I hit someone!

Brad: CANNONS!

Joey: What?!

Brad: Eddie! Pirates have cannons!

Eddie: And?

Brad: Dude, what would ninjas do if they were being bombarded by cannonballs!

Eddie: Cannonballs….are you… are you fucking kidding me?! That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard!

Brad: I’m just saying…

Eddie: Do you really think ninjas are just going to stand in front of cannon?! “Here I am. I’m not trained in the art of invisibility or anything”….

Brad: Yeah but….

Eddie: Even so…in the time it takes to reload…that’s like… BAM… 10 Pirates dead!

Brad: I guess you’re…

Eddie: Cannons…are you…do you want to be a pirate dude?!

Brad: I was just trying to help bro!

Eddie: Well help yourself to a fucking Bruce Lee flick because it sounds like you’re going all “jolly roger” on me bro….Fucking cannons.

(The camera pans to Joey looking pissed and confused. Then cut to a shot of Brad, Eddie and Joey sitting in the car. Eddie and Brad each take a sip of their beers)

Brad: Alright. Lets get this show on the road.

(Brad taps the dashboard after saying this. Joey starts to drive down the road again with a look of confusion on his face)

Joey :..(Sighs).. Well at least I didn’t hit anyone.

Brad and Eddie: (Together) Yep Yep Yep.

(CRASH!!! Joey hits a telephone pole)

Joey: OHHHHHHHHH SHIT!

Brad: Relax dude! We’re all ninjas here.

Joey: Will you shut up!! I’m not a Ninja! I’m not a Pirate! What I am is FUCKED!!

Eddie: Don’t worry dude! We got your back. We’re all in this together bro!

Brad: Together bro, totally! That’s ninja code!

(Joey closes his eyes and rests his head on the steering wheel)

Joey: This isn’t happening. I hope you guys have something figured out. Or else I’ll be on my way to jail…

(Joey looks up at the seat where brad was sitting , and sees nothing but a bag of weed. He then looks up to see Brad and Eddie running away into the night.)

Joey: Guys!? GUYS!! What the… I’m fucked! I’m Fucked! I’m…..

(The sound of a cop car sounds in the background)

Joey: …(Sighs) …FUCKED!… ASSHOLES!

[End Scene]

(Scene begins back in Brad and Eddies Office)

Eddie: (Already in conversation)…..and then he said, “ I Think I can, I think I can, I think I can, and created the world in six days! See, I have read the bible.

Brad: Dude, that’s “The Little Engine that could”.

Eddie: Oh right, right…………..Same thing.

Brad: I wonder what ever happened to Jake.

Eddie: Dude you didn’t hear? They made him do some kind of work release program.

Brad: Oh yeah?! What’s he doing?
Eddie: It’s right up his alley dude! He’s a waiter at The Pirates Den seafood restaurant down the street!

Brad: Once a Pirate, always a Pirate.

Brad and Eddie: (Together)…(Sighs)… F'in Pirates.

[End]

[Tobias]

oh...but i like pirates...

Twas good man. I gotta talk to ya sometime about how to format scripts. Its teh fun.

[shadokastur]

Yeah my dad did format one for us and I should re-post it here. We wrote this like a play script because that is where our experience lies. I'll see if I can get a hold of the "right" one.

[Tobias]

definitely. I'd love to see it.