Jack Bauer Jokes -- Like the Chuck ones but 24 style!

Shino

All quotes are taken from the following forum topic: http://49ers.hosttown.com/index.php?showtopic=42456
Just giving credit where it's due.

There's also a bunch at http://www.jackbauerfacts.com/view-twenty-four/

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Jack Bauers calender goes from April 2nd to March 31st, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.

Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris

You can lead a horse to water; Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack let the dogs out.

Jack's been to Mars; that's why there's no life on Mars.

Jack once beat a brick wall in tennis.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Jack Bauer!!

Before he forgot Jack's present, Santa WAS real.

Jack Bauer was what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

Shino · Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 3:53 pm Post subject:

http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/index.php?topthirty

hehe

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Shandriz · Your Death Shall be Swift Gender: Joined: 28 Sep 2003

That quote was in your first list, silly. ^_^

Shino · Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 4:42 pm Post subject:

oops... oh well... I like it.

If Jack Bauer was a baseball bat, players wouldn't need steroids.

Doot · Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 4:55 pm Post subject:

>_< Jack Bauer can never usurp Chuck Norris.

~sigh~

Shino · Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 5:10 pm Post subject:

Doot · Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 5:31 pm Post subject:

Yes, there are opinions. And then there are cold hard, roundkicking truths.

Ming · DOOM! Gender: Joined: 13 Jan 2003

I don't know anything about 24, but is Jack Bauer the guy that's played by Kiefer Sutherland? Because if so...Chuck Norris has a run for his money...

Shino · Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 5:58 pm Post subject:

Ultrawolf · Mr. Roarke Gender: Joined: 04 Jul 2003

Old'd!
Honestly though you could pretty much put anybody into 90% of these "jokes" and make it work. Ie:

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Ultrawolf is, in fact, still alive.

Alex once beat a brick wall in a staring contest.

If Ultrawolf was gay, his name would be Kiefer Sutherland.

Ultrawolf can get Jack in the Box's breakfast after 10:30.

Ultrawolf once beat someone at Magic The Gathering during the "Check which player goes first" phase.

The only true wonders of the world are Ultrawolf and his lackeys Chuck Norris and Mr. T.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys. Ultrawolf stole his car in the confusion.

Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
Ultrawolf can do it in 1. Counting the hour lunch break he took.

When life hands Jack Bauer Lemons, he kills Terrorists. Jack Bauer f^$@%*' hates lemonade. When life hands Ultrawolf lemons, he kills Jack Bauer -and- the terrorists. Ultrawolf loves lemonade.

The reason the show is called 24 is because that's how long it takes before Ultrawolf gets pissed off and decides to end Jack Bauer.