Depression

[Sciler]

I'm wondering how many people suffer from it. If you dont want to talk about it, or admit it, that is ok. I'm not ashamed to say that I do. I have for a long, long time now. I have to take each day one day at a time to be honest. Some days I am ok, some days I get so horribly down I do not want to do anything, i dont enjoy anything, nothing makes me feel any remote emotion...I just feel, lost. Its a hard thing to deal with, especially when you know many people dont know the extent of how you truely feel.

Its honestly hard to post this here. Online, its easy to be yourself, but at the same time not. But its really hard to admit something like this, especially when you know many of the people who see it are close friends whom you have known for years.

I'm not posting this to cause any worries. I am not, nor will I ever be suicidal. Have morbid thoughts crossed my mind at any point? Yes, many times. But have I ever come close, or convinced myself I could do it? Never. You guys and my family, honestly, have kept me alive. I dont think many of you truely know how much you all mean to me, even if I dont express it as much as I should. Expressing myself, is not one of my strong points. Its something that I am working on doing better in life. But seriously, I think of the hurt that I would cause, were I to ever do something stupid, and I know that I could never do anything like that.

But do I think I need help? Yes. Am I terrified to get it because I am afraid of what I may find out? Yes.

If anyone is in my situation, or has been there, can you help me get started? I am scared, and I dont exactly know how to find a good psychologist or councilor.

(a quick background for many of you, part of what is ultimately causing this depression, is that I was sexually abused when I was younger. I dealt with it as a kid, for the most part, but I'm just now trying to come to terms with it as an adult, and its creating a lot of anger within for me, among other issues and insecurities.)

I dont know why I am posting this honestly. I guess maybe as part of my healing process and dealing with it. I'm not sure, I just feel I should. If I get responses, awesome, but even if I dont, thats ok too.

And please dont worry about me, I've been ok up to this point lol. Its just extra hard now, being so far from everyone, missing out on so much.

Btw- I love you guys, and thank you for being my friends.

[Legend]

I will admit that I don't suffer from depression but infrequently during one or two weeks out of the month (and that related directly to hormonal changes)

I am with you, however, regarding seeing a therapist. I'm sure one could help me with other issues I have-- perhaps I could learn better to deal with my Tragic Flaw. I am, however, worried they'll decide I need to be put on medication, which I disagree with. It just seems that that's what they do with people these days. If you go see a therapist for any reason, they'll diagnose you with something and medicate you.


I think something that might be good for you -would- be to network, though. I know Silvanus suffers from Manic Depression, and I know of a couple other POs who have depression issues as well, though I won't name names. Maybe those of you have to deal with this really debilitating life issue could have some sort of sympathy line or something, where you can call each other if you need a boost? Offer advice? That sort of thing?

[Akanari]

Thank you for putting yourself out there Sciler.

Well.

I figure I might as well say this eventually. For various reasons I fought major depression and cyclothymia (a minor form of Bipolar disorder, though some therapists told me I had Bipolar Type II...and it doesn't effin' matter) for several years. I'm still fighting it, if you want to call it a fight. It is easier now that I am medicated but of course the problems still remained.

Now, there is a misconception about all therapists putting you on medication. First of all, only psychiatrists can actually give you a prescription and do -not- go and see a psychiatrist first. First look for certified counselors and therapists. Their job is to talk to you and find the root of the problem.

I was seeing a therapist for several months last year because of panic attacks and morbid thoughts. Never once did she mention medication except when I showed her that I could come up with reasoning for suicide. In December I "attempted" and was sent to a psychiatric hospital for about a week and a half (the PO Holiday Party was in the middle of my stay, I had just been released from inpatient care and had to return to the hospital the following Monday. Some of you may have noticed my hospital band.) Only after I attempted was I put on medication. I then saw a psychiatrist and a therapist for several months afterward...and have recently stopped seeing my therapist (he honestly told me there was no more he could do for me).

As for finding a therapist, I had the pleasure of a school counselor that had a list of certified therapists. If your workplace has a mental health advisor or something, see them (you don't have to be specific with them, just ask for a list) and choose a few counselors based on gender (if it matters) and location. I started with an older woman and then moved onto a young man and found (to my surprise) that I much preferred the young man. If there is no such advisor at your work, there are several websites that offer searches for therapists in the area. Psychology Today Search for you to start.

If you have any other questions, pm me or reply here. I will be falling over myself to help. :]

[Zinka]

Though I don't suffer from chronic depression, or any sort of mental disorder I did see a therapist for something that happened to me last year. At first I was really skeptical about it but I can say I'm completely with Akanari on this one. Find one and try it out at least. I think the most important thing is to make sure you find a therapist you like. The one I went to was completely willing to refer me to other therapists if I did feel comfortable with her and whoever you see, if you choose to, should be the same, because if you can't be comfortable around your therapist then they can't really help you.

Of course, having a strong circle of support is important too, but it seems you might already have that^.^

[shadokastur]

I think an important point that these strong women present is this: No matter what you're told it's how YOU FEEL that ultimately counts.

If you don't like the therapist don't hesitate (for fear of hurting feelings for example) to find another. If you don't want to be medicated then decline. Have faith in yourself. If you feel a certain way now it could be a signal to you or it could also be that you are simply not ready to be open to something at the moment. Psychology is an ever evolving and developing science so that basically means that they don't know everything yet. They can be flawed. But keep in mind oftentimes when you talk to someone about something you're exploring it as you speak so you are bringing something to your own attention that you didn't even know that you knew. The subconscious is a fascinating thing. So at the risk of sounding all Jedi: trust your feelings.

[Sciler]

The funny thing is, sometimes its hardest to open up completely, to those you are closest to. I can easily say I have at least 3 best friends here on PO. I have known them for over 10 years now, and we have all been through a lot together. I couldnt ask for a better group of friends...

but at the same time, I keep things from them. I dont mean to. I jsut dont want to cause needless worry. I dont want to seem like I am constantly whining about stuff that I should be over alreayd. I feel stupid even, to be upset about the things that I still am. I dont want to seem like I am whining for attention, so I keep most of my issues locked deep inside. I try to sort through them myself, but doing so, usually sends me deeper down the hole, if you will.

At this point, I quite honestly, am just exhausted. I'm tired. Its been a struggle, that I have been doing for close to 10 years now...and my strength just feels sapped. I dont want to give up the fight, I try not to, but honestly, I dont know what will happen if I continue on the path that I am. Not suicidally, but mentally. Sometimes I even wonder if I am driving myself crazy, literally. Plus I am extremely hard on myself, so that doesnt help my situation at all. I have a ton of insecurities, that I wish would just go away.

I'm turning 28 soon. I'm still not married, but I do have a great boyfriend who deserves a better girlfriend...so I have to try to make myself better. For him and for me. I want to move into the next phaze of my life, and to do that, I just need to get over as much as I can. I have money issues, though I have made great progress the past 6 or so months. There is a light in the tunnel still, I can see it, but its still so far off, I get impatient and frustrated because I want to climb out already >_<

whoa i started rambling, sorry, this is what happens with me lol. Welcome to my mind!

[RivaOni]

I was diagnosed with depression back in 2002, and while I'm alot better now than I was then, I still have very little motivation to do anything, and at times feel utterly down. I think I'm lucky in that my daughter interacts with us alot so she keeps me on my feet and doesn't give me too much time to dwell on things.

[Sciler]

I checked out your Akanari and thank you so much. I had no idea where to start looking, but right away I found a few I would be interested in...but man, so expensive /sigh

[Zinka]

[kei]

I've suffered from it before, my mom still thinks I do simply because I enjoy sleeping alot. And I can't blame her, sleeping lots is considered to some people a sign of depression. But not in my case.

When I was younger like in high hschool I suffered from it my freshmen and sophomore year. And also in middle school. I was a rather stunted person. didn't really come in contact with any of the others. And was always off by myself. My mom never took me for a diagnosis.