When does other people's opinion matter?

[Tobias]

Pshaw...women's though processes are wonderful things...soo many things happening soo quickly. Guys heads aren't like that...at least, mine isn't.

Andrew sounds likea swell guy...nervous though about his lady's family. Guys get like that, i guess, cause family is an important thing.

Well lemme give ya a story.

I met my "girlfriend" about 2 years ago when she came into the cafe i worked at, and i asked her out. I found out that she was from a different country, and that one day, she said that we shouldn't get too involved, since we would be split apart at a VERY large distance for a very long time.

Now, for some reason, despite me being a very logical person, and her being DOUBLEY as logical, we seemed to be carried away by our emotions, since, well, both of us were rather un-practiced in our emotional selves. But we foudn something that most people don't find in one another: That bond, or that will that keeps you going. We both care for each other more than people think: The people i know at school, save for one of my best friends, just said (jokingly), marry her and make her a citizen. It isn't that easy though. Now, none of them have met her, but they've had a picture painted of her in their heads that rivals the greatest women they could imagine (mainly due to my part).

I forgot to mention my good friend though. He said that this was probably not the best idea, and that we should probably break it off. Not only did he have this mentality, but so did my mother and father, as well as my brother Ming (Who in my book, values for pretty much the majority of my decisions, because he is quite possibly one of the most logical people in my world.)

Now, we both let our logical minds go to work, and both me and Jena (Yes, her name is Jena.) decided to call it off. And no, this didn't work. Even after many months of being apart when she was home, she called me and told me she was coming back for a month, and despite her and my attempts to keep this thing separate, it still happened, and we found ourselves resuming where we left off.

Now, today, my family has met Jena. My mother knows where i stand with her, as does my brother, and they both think im partially nuts for going out to Austria to see her...but they understand. They appreciate the fact that I'm making the effort, despite the financial woes, to make myself happy after such tradgedy has begotten my own household. the only thing left is for me to get to know her family, which is something i'm ready to do and prepared to accomplish.

Which brings me (after my longass story) to you. Andrew seems liek a swell guy, but shy. He seems liek a nice person, but needs to get to your family, have din din with em, and enjoy themselves. Now, I'm not saying htat he should get stuck on a boat with em for a week (like myself), but i think this situation will make itself much better when you don't just try to include him in your life, but in the life of your family. This will definitely begin to open up new things, show him in a new life. It sounds like Andrew doesn't spend a lot of time around your house (and if he does, no one else is home)...but the more he spends time with the family and the more he melds with em, the better it becomes. Am I rambling? I hope I'm not...I'm just trying to help

Well, maybe one day, when Jena and I are together and we're in the neighborhood, we can all go out on some crazy double date, and see what happens.

*explodes*

[Zinka]

Tobs, I absolutely adore your story and I am glad to say that one thing Andrew and I havnt had to deal with in any major way is long distance....I don't think that is something I'm built for at all.

(andrew is also studying abroad here in Japan)

now...I actually have had andrew hang out a lot at the house. I mean, about half of our relationship was in highschool so we were either at his house or mine. So yeah, when he's over he tries but he often strikes my mom as too quiet(admittedly my mom doesn't always make it easy, at least she didnt in high school). When my sister and mom came here to japan for two weeks Andrew spent some time with us and they both were really receptive and I think it really helped their relationships. My dad figures he's just shy. but yeah...probably when we get back a lot more time in both houses of mine^.^

In any case, it really does help to lay out all my thoughts and worries here...

[kei]

heh, I know I'm not made for long distance, I once tried dating a girl from turkey, heh you can guess how that turned out.

I'm glad we can help, cause your right it does really help to lay out your thoughts and worries, other wise some of us would be so confused and fickle minded.

strikes as too quiet? Sounds like me when I'm dating, I'm really shy sometimes.

[Zinka]

[Ming]

[RivaOni]

Shyness can put people off someone incredibly easy, just because he's shy doesn't nessacarily mean he doesnt want to be accepted by your family (although I'm sure he does) but thats the message it does give out because he might not have that confidence to strike a conversation with them.

Also badgering parents (I'm not saying they are but giving something as an example) make it doubley hard, nothing harder than someone who keeps asking questions all the time...

In regards to his motivational issues, he might have ideas beyond just marrying you, but might not be confident talking about them, not even with you whom he obviously loves, shy people are like that, I should know, I am shy

[Tobias]

[FawkesFyre]

A good question to ask yourself is if his flaws are something you're ok to live with...in terms of marriage and longterm commitment.

And also keep in mind that you prolly have some flaws in his mind as well, whether he mentions them or not...it goes along woth the idea that no one is perfect.

If he has some quirks that bug you, talk to him about it. Nothing is going to change, either good or bad unless you talk to each other.

Stay open to the opinions of others...and weigh them all together in the end...there's no rule that says to follow their opinion, just listen to them. I didn't listen to what some of my friends and family had to say about my ex...I didn't want to hear it, and was totally in denial. Now all my friends and family tell me after the fact their real opinions on that matter. It might help to sit down w/ your sister, or a friend and talk to them about Andrew and see if you can maybe narrow down what it specifially is about him that ppl have a problem with.

On a more fun side:
Funny thing, is the two of you would prolly get along great with Dloe and myself. We're not super social ppl and once you get to know Dloe, you begin to get him...he's actually a lot more personable if you take the time to get to know him. I try to be more social, but I only really accomplish that via online. Taking the time to get to know someone really makes things a lot more fun than just taking them at face value.

[Ming]

[Legend]

It took me a -long- time to get really comfortable around Chris' family and his friends, because I'm naturally shy. In fact, I still often find difficulty 'fitting in' when we're in a social setting with either of those groups. But, I do my best because I know how wonderful they are, and it doesn't hurt to know that they like me as well.

I think a lot of it has to do with finding common ground/interests. If you can think of anything that Andrew has in common with family members, you might want to suggest he try talking about it with them. That's usually a fantastic way to break down shyness barriers. Or, conversely, suggest to your family that they could bring up things he's interested in that they might be interested in hearing about, even if they don't share the interest exactly.