short story/fanfic (Critiques welcome!)

[Akuko]

The following story is a fan fiction based on one of my favorite graphic novels called Lone Wolf and cub. It is an amazing storyline all about assassins, revenge and honor and I got inspired. Please let me know what you think!


The Bonsai Tree

A young woman, barely sixteen, kneeled reverently in front of a small rock garden. She smiled at the clusters of brightly colored flowers that seem to stretch out their faces toward the sunshine. Producing a pair of simple shears from the fold of her kimono, she leaned towards the focal point of the garden.

The dwarf pine tree seemed to draw the eye in, its trunk twisted artfully as if battered by an unseen wind. She leaned up and began to snip at the branches, meticulously removing the greenery as she saw fit.

So absorbed in her work, she didn't notice how the time passed and a shadow began to lengthen in front of her.

She took a breath and nearly gagged, the smell of rotting fish assaulted her nose and her ears prickled, hearing the familiar raspy breath of her husband. Suddenly she realized her error and in panic mode, she tried to turn around.

She didn't even see it coming. As she turned to face her husband, his palm made firm contact with her cheek. The sharp smack resounded in her ears and nearly caused her to lose her balance. Tears hung suspended in her eyes as he roared.

"You dare disgrace me like this?!? Where is my evening meal? You dishonor your marital bond you ungrateful witch!"

Before she could respond, he grabbed her upper arm, digging his fingers into her flesh and yanked her up. Then forcefully he pushed her towards the house and growled, "now make me a decent meal or else!"

With her hand up to her reddened face, she turned and bowed deeply. Choking back a sob she replied "I am sorry my husband. I shall not fail you again." She turned to the kitchen and began to make the evening meal.

[Akuko]

Just outside of town, in the fading afternoon light, a shadow rises. The creaking of wooden wheels is heard and a dusty, road weary traveler appears pushing a babycart. As the traveler moves closer a flag is seen with the words "sword for hire, baby for hire." A young boy, barely a toddler, sticks his head out and yawns, rubbing his eyes.

They reach the center of town and the man scoops the young child out of the cart. He walks to a small inn, places a few coins on the counter and softly spoke, "room for two please, just my son and I."

"Of course sir," the caretaker replied, smiling warmly, "down the hall and to the left, last door. The communal bath is down the hallway and to the right. Anything you need, just come and find me."

With a quick nod and a small bow, the man put down his son and walked to their room. As their paper door shut, the care taker walked to the baby cart and muttered, "sword for hire?"



The young woman began cleaning the dishes after the meal had ended. Deep in thought, she didn't hear her husband leave the room and head toward her garden.

Finishing the dishes, she heard grunting and ripping and ran out to see what was going on.

Screaming, she saw rocks and dirt and flowers being thrown every which way. Her prized bonsai lay off to the side, it's trunk split in half. All her hard work and effort, wasted in a drunken rage.

Wordlessly he turned, stumbled back into the house and began to paw at his wife, ripping her kimono off her lithe frame.

"No," she whimpered softly, but submitted, not wanting yet another black eye or bruise, opting instead to go toward the bedroom.

Minutes later, she heard soft snoring. Sobbing, she rocked herself to sleep, wishing either she or he were dead.

[Tobias]

So far, its interesting. Gripping, to say the least. A conflict is introduced and a resolution is in the distance. I'd say the only problem i would have with this is the story becoming a bit too predictable with the "sword for hire" saving the woman. But eh, i'll see shortly.

I'd check a couple of things though: Don't use so many adjectives/adverbs. Also, watch your tenses. You go into present tense at one point in the beginning of the second post, but it seems that you are primarily in past tense.

Sorry you had your first comment by an english major. I'll leave the rest of my comments at the door.

[Akuko]

The swordsman lay dreaming in his room. He saw a beautiful innocent girl laying on a bed. Her head was turned to one side, tears cascading over reddened cheeks. On top of her was an ugly brute of a man, his face shifting from human to demon and grinning like a wolf.

The swordsman awoke abruptly, startled at the image of the woman, so beautiful and yet so frail. The young boy awoke with a start as well and walked up to his father.

"Da da," he said imploringly, pointing to his belly, "I hungey"

The father nearly laughed at his son and his request. He scooped him up and took him to the babycart outside. Pushing the cart, they headed to the Marketplace.

At that same moment the young woman had snuck out of the bedroom and went into the kitchen. Making sure no one was around, she knelt down and removed a loose floor board. A pile of shiny coins laid below, earnings from the dozens of trees she had sold before she had gotten married.

Quickly she covered her hiding spot and headed out to the market. She hoped she could curry favor with her husband if she made a meal before he woke up. Then maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't hurt her any more.

When she arrived she inhaled all the scents and took in all the sites. People were hawking their colorful produce, fresh fish and other wonderful wares. As she picked and chose from each colorful stand, she bumped into a child.

The little boy looked up at the young woman, his face covered with grains of rice. Generously he offered the young woman a stick mounded carefully with freshly cooked sticky rice.

She smiled and kneeled in front of the boy, shaking her head and asked, "where is your mama or papa, little one?"

The little boy turned and pointed to the babycart. An older man, with dark hair and even darker eyes and a sword on his side, was purchasing rice sticks. The young girl read the flag, 'sword for hire,' and an idea began to germinate.

Walking with the little boy, she came up to the swordsman. "Sir," she asked politely, "is this your boy?"

the swordsman turned toward the voice and was astonished. It was the woman from his dream. He cleared his throat and answered, "yes, that is my son. Thank you."

"My name is Akiko," she said softly, "and I would like to speak to you tonight. I may have a job for you."

[Akuko]

She gave the swordman directions to her home, told him to bring his son too and to knock twice before he came in.

Rushing quickly home, Akiko noticed the kitchen was in ruins. Her husband must have awoke before she could get back. She slumped down momentarily, glad to be rid of his presence for now, but knew everything had to be perfect tonight.

After cleaning the kitchen, she walked out to her garden and began to repair the damage. She placed the rocks back into their spots, replanted what she could salvage of the flowers, save one, and then focused her attention on the bonsai.

She lifted the trunk of the tree, careful not to split the trunk completely and wrapped it tightly with some strips of fabric. She eased it gingerly back into its place and took the plant not yet replanted back into the house.

In the kitchen, she ground up the root of the ugly plant. Nightshade was deadly, and she knew how to brew it just right with tea.

She added the ground root to some tea leaves and added other spices to the mix to cover up the taste of the noxious root.

She set up a table with crisp white linen and changed into a beautiful flowered kimono. Setting the table with cups and other utensils she made sure everything was perfect.

[Akuko]

As she sat waiting, she heard two knocks at the door. The swordsman entered, sword at his side, son on his hip.

She moved gracefully toward him, tickled the young boy and motioned for the swordsman to sit. She went to the loose floorboard and retrieved the last of her money.

She dropped all the coins on the table and looked at the swordsman with tears in her eyes. "Please, you have to help me. I will give you all this," gesturing at the coins, "for his life."

Without so much as a word, the swordsman scooped up the coins and prepared himself.

Minutes later, her husband arrived. The swordsman stood in front of him, hand hovering over the hilt of his sword. Akiko was a few feet behind the swordsman, glaring at her husband.

"What the hell is going on?" He demanded. And in a flash, the sword was removed from it sheath. Akiko's husband dropped to his knees, head nearly severed completely, and then dropped to the ground. Akiko gasped as she saw her tormentor finally dispatched, and now knew what she had to do.

Akiko brought the tea out, covered the leaves with hot water and let them steep. Smiling to the swordsman, with tears in her eyes she doled out the tea to herself and him and watched him smell the brew. She cackled wickedly on the inside, knowing he had no idea.

"To new beginnings," she said as she raised her cup and pretended to drink watching as the swordsman drained the cup.

As Akiko took the empty cups back to the kitchen, she heard sputtering noises. As she turned around, the swordsman gasped and clawed at his throat. "Why?" he choked. The swordsman tried to move towards her, but the poison took over, and he slumped over, dead.

Quickly she gathered some clothing and valueables, including her savings, along with dried fish and rice and emptied it into the babycart. She scooped up the little boy who still played in the corner and gingerly set him the the cart. "I wanted a son..."

As she pushed the cart slowly out of town, the fabric from the bonsai tree loosened and a large dark scar appeared. The tree was whole, but damaged beyond repair.

[SirGunslinger]

Very interesting story. Although why did she kill the swordsman? Just because?

[Akuko]

[FawkesFyre]

I like the twist in having her kill them both. You could also say that once someone finds them there, dead, that they'd be looking for a solitary woman, not a woman and child.

What happened to the "baby for hire" part, it kinda got shorted to just a "sword for hire" ?

I liked how it sounded to be predictable but had the nice twist. You might want to eloborate on why he dreamt of the woman...maybe draw out the story a little longer.

Another bit that's confusing is that if she had the means to kill her husband all along, then why hadn't she done it sooner, and why did she even need the swordsman...or why didn't she just run away?

I know you wanted constructive criticism But I would say that it was an overall enjoyable read.

[Akuko]

Read it again, I edited it to make a bit more sense. I think I did a better job this time around.