It's me again! - Another one of those things

[Bumblebee]

DISCLAIMER: this a long and drawn out rant that I wrote after reading an e-mail that was basically of hypocritical proportions. I won't go into detail of the letter, just know it's sparked a REALLY big anger at the moment and a flurry of negative thoughts have invaded my thinking space. Also, this is a LONG AND DRAWN OUT rant. That means it DOESN'T make sense and all it is is "bitch bitch bitch", "whine whine whine". Because no one from Pocket Otaku(well...possibly PRG and Doot) knows me well enough to understand where I'm coming from, I may seem to come off as an immature jerk. Please keep in mind that I have reasons for the way I act. Moose.

You know, I was doing rather decent this time around with my pissed-offness. REALLY, I was. Right now, it's really getting to me, though.
Let's round up the problems:
1. The tablet Abe and I use is practically DEAD. I think the only way to keep using the tablet is to probably change the eraser tip to function like the pen tip. So, that could solve that problem, but anywho, another website (yep! Bumblebee is affiliated with AND does work for: PocketOtaku, JapanHero, MechaEX, AngelRift, TFClub, and another that escapes my brains at the moment) JUST got on my nerves. Why? Because this dood cannot understand the concept of TIME IT TAKES TO MAKE A PICTURE and HOW THE LOSS OF A TABLET CAN GREATLY AFFECT THE TIME IT TAKES TO MAKE A PICTURE. He wanted me to color some of his works, and I told him to send me 150 res' of each. He didn't do it, so he goes and complains to me about his pictures and how badly he needs them. I tell him I'm "pretty much dead" without that tablet. So what's he tell me? "Buy another one!". Just like that.
...now, I don't trust online auction methods; they have fucked over a lot of people I know, so I NEVER consider them. I purchase my stuff from stores. So, stores, eh? The tablet I have is about $100. The tablet I would LIKE to have is about $400. Now, what's the problem with "Buy another one"? HAHA! Because I CAN'T PULL $100-$400 OUT OF MY ASS. This guy has hit strike two with me. Even though I should drop his ass and forget about his site, I'm still stickin' in. I'm waiting for strike number three. I give everyone that chance.
2. My art is kinda at a stalemate. I can draw(and I have almost finished the comic Az assigned to me but because of another problem((I'll mention it next)), I've kinda been "strayed" from it a bit. My art doesn't want to move. I've done a few new things, yeah, but that's it. I've frozen. I'm trying to draw through it because, unlike what some people suggest, I WILL NOT STOP DRAWING. I don't care if I lose all my limbs, I am still going to fucking draw. I have never been one to "give up" on my art, and I will never "take a break" from my art....but what can a person do when your art has taken a break from YOU? Nothing but draw through it. It pisses me off because I hate to think I'm reaching a point where drawing is more and more difficult. I draw for fun and I hate that it's slowly becoming more of a "torture".
3. Our dog, Rambo, died about two-three weeks back. Yeah, I liked that dog, but no, I didn't cry or anything. Now we're down to one dog, and I think she's trying to give us HELL. For our birthday, she gave this wonderful house FLEAS. FLEAS DAMMIT! I mean, we've basically sprayed and powdered this house like fucking CRAZY to get rid of them, but we still need to lay the "MOAB" for fleas down before we can claim any victories. "bite bite bite". I feel like a fucking animal hitting and scratching. This particular dog, Daisy, she needs to go. I honestly love this dog, but to get rid of the fleas, I will kill her myself. She's done nothing but bug this household shitless since Rambo died- and I would say she's "depressed", but it's more like she's gone "MAD". I think Rambo's death made her fucking insane. Forgive me for sounding cruel, but she's old too...she's around that time where she should be dying too. Cleaning her does nothing too. She just gives us fleas. Thank you, you bitch(hehe..I can say that, and it's NOT offensive!).
4. Apparently a few people I've known down here are going to A-Kon. Apparently those same few people were stupid enough to NOT reserve a hotel room. Apparently I've been told they're going to try and mooch off of the room Abe and I have. So what's the problem? I CAN BE TOO FUCKING NICE AT TIMES. Now, I didn't offer them the use of the hotel room, NOR HAVE I BROUGHT IT UP. However, I do know that the MOMENT they ask to shower or something, I will be all "...er...sure". THEN they will end up staying in the hotel room; I can see it now( I know them quite well and Abe knows them better than I do): they will ask to come chill in the room. They will fall asleep, I'll be too nice to wake them up, and boom. ANNOYING factor is in the room. Of course, I will let the other two/three people tell them to get out the room, and I'll not complain. The only thing is that I tend to look at things from "if I were in their place" too much. If I fucked up and didn't reserve a hotel room, I would want someone to offer me a place to sleep/shower/at least brush my teeth/shave kinda thing. At the same time, though, I'm like "If I were in that situation, I kinda deserves' it!"...but then I'm like "but...I'm not that much of a jerk..." and then yeah. FUCK MY KINDNESS! I feel like I should just blow gaping' holes in peoples' heads. AND! AND! Looks like a gal in the room might try to have her boyfriend chill in the hotel room often so that he doesn't have to endure HIS roomates(they...have...NO manners from what I've seen((we're talking dirty undergarments on the FLOOR)) ). Problem with this is that every A-Kon, there's a couple around. I hate being around couples because it depresses me. What makes me hate this situation even more is that this galla and I had a "thing" kinda, and then she just up and dumps me(without TELLING me; making me think I have someone who has feelings for a good while- then FINALLY finding out that she doesn't like me anymore and making me feel REALLY stupid for "loving" someone in the fucking first place), for this other guy who dumps her, and she goes and dates this guy and yeah. So there's some really negative emotions right there.
Of course, me and my bro get "ultimate say-so" in the hotel room...why? BECAUSE the other two people didn't pay a SINGLE penny. That's right. I told them I wasn't going to charge them...part of me thinks I should be a power-monger if I need to...but that'd be me being a jerk. I don't want to be a jerk because I'm upset over the whole relationship or something...that's kinda stupid and immature, you know? At the same time, though, this isn't the first time I was just "dropped" without being told.
5. Same old shit. Dwelling on the past and stuff.
***6 was omitted because it was going on into ramblings***
7. Low self-confidence, low self-appreciation, low self-esteem. I can't do anything. I dunno. Life is getting kinda lonely; like something's missing. I have an idea what it might be, but now...I don't even think that THAT's the case. I dunno.
8. The hour of this day was spent bitching. I should be having fun and stuff, but I dunno.

A while back I poured my mind(I say mind because, to me, the heart controls blood; not thoughts or emotion) to this gal I've had this huge thing for. I went all..."different" on her. The kind of "different" you expect to get from soap operas- where the guy says this passionate speech to the girl he "loves"(of course, I'm not as poetic...I really suck at those kinda speeches). Anywho...once more, I've said something that opens up a weakness, and boom. NOTHING. Silence, and a change of topic. WHY!? WHY is it that when I like a gal, the topic CHANGES when I mention it? Why can't I get a "no" or a "yes"? And when I do, the gal seems to change her mind after the fact, and then changes is when it works in favor of my liking her. FUCCCCCK and stuff, you know? It's okay to fuck me, but damn if you gotta date me or something. I'm not even that great in bed! FUCK, I don't even KNOW if I'm "great in bed"; all I've done was eat pussy for most of the time; with brief intermissions of intercourse; and dammit, I never got to cum! Sure, THEY got to get THEIR high, but damn if I get to release my "sexual tension". roght.

So yeah. Dunno what that last one was for. I think I'm starting to just FIND things to complain about, which sucks and stuff.
I've ranted so long. I tell myself I'll grow up; I'll be over this when I'm 30..........10 years to go. 10 more fucking years to go.

That's all.

[Sciler]

~huge hugs to Bumble~ Ok, im not going to attempt to answer everything because I cant, but I will say having been to 2 conventions now...be an ass when it comes to your room. No one likes moochers. Those rooms are NOT cheap...and so yeah its thier fault that they didnt reserve a room. If you let them stay with you, charge them, otherwise I think it would be safe to assume they planned on using you all along, which is wrong. You're too good a person to be used. And are they really friends if they use thier "friends"?

I dont really know what else to say or anything to be honest, but Im here anytime you wanna talk or rant ~more hugs cause i can~

[Shurikane]

[Doot]

Bee - just move out here. I'd post more but I'd prefer a one on one chat wicha. Maybe I'll drop a line, a ringy dingy?